Don’t Forget to Glide

This has been a rough week in many ways. Last weekend, a new friend threw my well-planned, well-ordered world into chaos when she asked questions, lots of questions, too many questions. She challenged what I thought was next, where I was headed, what I had decided.

So, I talked with people who know me well, people I trust. They were very comfortable with the plans that I have made, but they could see where she was coming from. (Quite honestly, so could I…otherwise I would have just brushed off what she said.)

I took a few days to look at alternatives. I searched for degree programs I might be interested in. (Yes, I found one, and it makes less financial sense than most of the hare-brained schemes I’ve though of over the years!)

My oldest--ready to FLY (figuratively and literally)

My older kids are all scattering again, headed to new jobs, new challenges, new relationships. My “baby” is enjoying being at school all day. They are all beginning to FLY!  And me? Honestly, I don’t quite know what to do with myself!

Who am I? What do I really want to be doing? (And does that differ from what I “should” be doing?)

And from there things spiral to: Why are we out here? What are we accomplishing? Could we/Should we be doing something more? Or something different?

AARRGGHHH!!

My new friend asked another question. She wanted to know if I could just rest, just BE. She wanted to know if I could sit in stillness. She challenged me to not be too quick to move on to new roles, new training, a new identity.

I responded confidently that I’m fine with all of that. I’m not really driven. I’m happy taking time to do “nothing.” I enjoy lounging, reading, enjoying nature, watching my kids.

And then…Wednesday came. Jakob went to town with Randy for the day and Anna was at school. There was nothing that I had to do. (Everything on the ever-present to-do-list was open-ended.) And I found myself going crazy.

I couldn’t find a book I wanted to read. I had no interest in just sitting around. I was too antsy to work on crafts, or coloring, or puzzles. I wanted overwhelmingly to jump in the car and just drive someplace, any place.

My, oh, my. I discovered that I could NOT just BE. Apparently, I can do all those restful things I think of myself as being good at only when I have an overall idea of “what’s next.”

Hmmm…maybe my new friend is right. Maybe I need to take some time to figure out who I am without defining myself by what I do.

So for the next few days (or weeks, if needed), I’m going to work hard on not working so hard! This short entry from a blog I regularly read sums it all up nicely:

“you always beat your wings, don’t forget to glide”

Guess I’ll save flying for another day!

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