On “Be-living” and Blogging

As I have explained before, my focus for 2013 is “be-living” – not just thinking, not just doing, but trying to live at the balance point. At first that seemed like a passive word, an invitation to “sit around and wait.” That idea drove me crazy! I prefer to be active, moving, pursuing something. Last year’s focus of “walk” was bad enough. But the idea of an absence of movement has been stressful.

I haven’t done much blogging so far this year. I refuse to be a navel-gazing, woo-woo type of writer. If I’m spinning in circles mentally, I figure I’m already torturing myself and don’t need to inflict that on others. The combination of wrestling with “be-living” and struggling through unemployment has left me with little to say. Travel? FUN! Bewilderment? NOT fun!

"Be-living" -- passive or active?

“Be-living” — passive or active?

The first months of this year were easy: help friends with their little guys, try to maintain relationships while living a continent away, keep my youngest daughter focused on all the wonderful things to learn while living overseas, and enjoy some travel to new places. The “be-living” balance seemed to fall into place pretty easily: specific responsibilities, regular time for exercise, and unscheduled time for thinking.

Now that I’m home, balance has been harder to find. Some days the walls seem to close in around me as I wander around with nothing on my agenda. I get tired of mentally going down the same “rabbit-trails” I’ve thought about over and over and over again. I lack energy and will-power to get outside and get physically active.

Other days, I fill my schedule with activity. I run errands, go to the library, take kids on outings, take the dog on long walks, sort through boxes and boxes of “stuff” in preparation for an (eventual) move. There is movement but little time to think and little direction to the activity.

I am realizing that “be-living” is less about being and more about actively engaging in the moment. It is NOT being passive and trying to accept whatever comes my way. It is NOT giving up dreams and dreaming. It is NOT sitting around with nothing to say. (Yeah, those that know me are well aware that I can’t possibly sit around and not communicate!!)

This “be-living” challenge includes actively engaging in this moment, and this one, and this one. It is letting go of excuses about past failures or experiences and not making excuses to avoid future possibilities. It is forcing myself to quit making compulsive lists about future plans. (Okay, okay, so I’m still making SOME lists, but only killing a few trees in the process rather than decimating an entire forest for piles of paper, okay?!!) “Be-living” is active? It seems impossible? Great! Now it feels like something I can get excited about!

I’m sure that a fuzzy definition of “be-living” is not what was keeping me mired down. And I really can’t blame unemployment for feeling stuck (although it doesn’t help). I think I’m getting a handle on how to BE in a more active way. I will keep you posted on how this plays out. Guess I’ve got things to blog about after all…

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